5 July 2007

Learning Things The Hard Way

I thought that I should take some time out of my revision to just say something about the current mood that’s around right now. For some reason, a lot of you guys are kinda down and out. Obviously, I don’t know what goes on in each and every individual person’s life. I would love to know what’s going on in your life right now but right now I can’t really do much because I’m having my own stuff going on with my supplementary exams in uni next week. Supplementary basically means you passed but would like to see you do better.

Anyways, it’s kinda sad in a way to see you guys in such a down mood. As I’ve said before, I don’t know what goes on through your heads. I can only wonder what could be so troublesome. Could it be because of school? Work? Relationships? Uncertain future? Painful past? There could be so many reasons why we are hurting. Some reasons are private, some public. But in any case, I just thought that if you allow me I want to put my two cents in somewhere.

Granted, I’m not usually someone who says a lot about the things going on around me. However, I am someone who’s always worried about people. I’m not someone who has a really good relationship with anyone, I’m sure a lot of people will agree with me. No one knows what really goes on in my head and I’ve always kind of kept to myself most of the time. Different people deal with problems differently but I don’t think that’s the case. It’s pride really. We don’t want to let people help us and we think that we can deal with our own troubles.

Personally, just around the beginning of the year, I’ve probably toyed around with the thought of suicide in my head many times a night and many times I would have liked to shout at God and say screw this and I did a few times even. I was bitter and in pain. I had zero tolerance for what people had to say, I thought of my classmates as my enemies and I made a few good friends my enemies. Definitely a low point in my life and now I’m resitting an exam which I could probably had passed if I hadn’t “unofficially” quit uni for a few weeks. I was drunk in my problems I just had to dwell in them. I wanted to be justified that I didn’t do anything wrong and it was the whole world that had something against me. I probably did some crying in my room with my lights off many times waiting for someone to tell me. Yeah, the world is wicked. It’s screwed up and you’re the only sane one here. Truth of the matter is I was the one insane.

It was only when I finally got my results that I ‘almost’ failed that I finally got my slap in the face. It was then I finally got myself ‘sober’ and finally shut up about the bad stuff that I thought were going on around me and just sat. The first thing I saw was a verse from the bible that I had stuck up on my wall. It was from Isaiah 30:20-21, which from my bible’s translation was “The Lord will make you go through hard times, but he himself will be there to teach you, and you will not have to search for him anymore. If you wander off the road to the right or the left, you will hear his voice behind you saying, “Here is the road. Follow it.””

It might sound like a cliché when I say that I was lost. But I really was and last week’s message by Dr. Paul Hawke really touched me when he asked if we had an answering machine on for God. Honestly, I did have an answering machine on. I was angry and miserable and I blocked out everyone around me including God. That night at church I couldn’t stop crying when I realized that I had missed God, that I missed being in his presence. I had blamed Him for all the troubles that I’ve had the past year but I felt like such a fool when I finally came back to Him and saw the meaning behind the struggles that I’ve had.

I feel that I’ve finally been led back on the path again but I know that I’ve made many mistakes that I shouldn’t have made to get to this point. There’s always two ways in life: the hard way and the easy way. The hard way is in trusting yourself that things will be alright, the easy way is to put your trust in God that He can make it alright.

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